what else can somebody who wants to be a writer do but...
Posted at 08:50 PM

it's the first day of the holy week 'holiday' and i'm at home bored out of my skull.

holy week and christmas break are really tough on me (as i was telling marti with whom i am chatting right now). too slow. can't do anything - offices are closed, people are out of town. sometimes it even feels pointless asking a friend out because in this state of blah, i am sure i won't make good company.

on ripley's believe it or not they showed a guy who stuck a vacuum cleaner into his esophagus and sucked his dinner out. man, at least i'm not THAT bored.

and so i start another blog...figuring that writing is one thing i can do to stave off any other forms of odd behavior.

i do have other things to write. a story to finish. two more pieces for the stressed book. but well...they're not flowing right now - so i guess i'll keep on writing until they do

i am not my blog
Posted at 09:38 AM

when you look at a painting, or listen to music, or watch a dance - do you try to analyze the personality of the creator? i would think that very few of us do, and rarely at that.

the art form that seems most susceptible to this sort of scrutiny is writing.

but i would like to say, and very vehemently at that, that that shouldn't be. writing, just like any other piece of art, is still a creation. no matter how personal, no matter how full of 'feelings' - writing is still a creation, external to the writer.

even in the case of autobiography or creative non-fiction where everything written is supposed to be a 'true story' - we as readers are still dealing with a persona the writer chooses to put forward, not the writer itself.

and the same is true with blogs. for many, a blog is just a way to get some thoughts out - practice stringing words. tabula.com says "chronicle your life." i'd like to think that that's precisely NOT what i'm doing

but it is a way to keep in touch with the world - and so i figure, why not?

hmmm. this is tougher than i thought
Posted at 02:29 PM

when i first thought i wanted to write, i was filled with all sorts of romantic notions. sitting in cafes watching the people pass. strolling down quaint streets, observing life. coming home and just writing out that i've seen, my view on life.

boy, was i misled.

when i try to write i find myself facing a blank wall - metaphorically speaking. literally i'm facing my computer screen with a taunting, blinking cursor and no words. it takes me close to an hour to squeeze out a sentence. forget any of that furious clicking sound of a writer typing away. my writing sounds more like tap...tap...pause. tap...tap...pause. taptaptaptaptap (that's the delete key going.)

this whole writing bit is sure a lot easier when you just imagine it.

ah, why not?
Posted at 06:42 PM

the first survey of the new blog tis a slow, slow week

Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. write down what it says:
"A very few minutes sufficed to give us the facts." (Agatha Christie, Poirot Investigates)


Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. what do you touch first?
to the right: my printer. to the left, nothing.


What is the last thing you watched on tv?
as told by ginger.


Without looking, guess what time it is:
6:30pm


Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
6:48 PM


With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
the dog barking. at what, i have no idea.


When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
a couple of hours ago to take a walk

Before you came to this website, what did you look at?
a non-fic piece that needs to be finished

what are you wearing?
shorts, t-shirt


Did you dream last night?
yes. i remember it had something to do with the december show.


When did you last laugh?
this afternoon


What is on the walls of the room you are in?
book shelves


Seen anything weird lately?
syempre


What do you think of this quiz?
a way to kill time. (ok, 6:50 now)


What is the last film you saw?
princess bride yeba!


If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
hang on, i'll get my list


Tell me something about you that I don't know:
hehe. nice try


If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
free education and health care for everybody.


Do you like to dance?
i love watching

George Bush: is he a power-crazy nutcase or some one who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years?
power-crazy nutcase is too good for him


Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
heck if i know


Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
same thing. oh wait, he'll be called harry. para harry yap


Would you ever consider living abroad?
not for too long

YAWN
Posted at 09:30 AM

slept at 4am. and i didn't have anything to rush, no major deadlines to beat. was just up - tossing and turning, flicking on the lights to write down something. now i'm tired...

my body clock has become progressively topsy turvy since the start of april. not good. well, not really a problem for now - insomnia still doesn't qualify as a loser's condition but this can't go on...for one thing, i don't wake up late so later bedtime means less sleep. for another, once i start teaching again this is going to be very very difficult.

so i woke up bleary but hungry so i hauled myself out of bed to have breakfast and get some things done. one thing productive that came out of my sleepless night though was a clearer idea how to structure the december show. getting another band...hoping the first choice agrees

it's 9:40 in the morning. i wonder if it's bad form to go back to sleep.

good friday tour
Posted at 06:34 PM

the stillness and silence at home was so palpable. the whole city was hushed. i just had to get out and see what that looked like.

so after lunch, trying to shrug off the 3PM Good Friday rule, i hit the road. around libis, ortigas, edsa, timog, quezon ave and back to katipunan. the whole circuit took about 20-25 minutes. it could have taken quicker, i know...but everything was moving slowly. it's like everything was so thick you could see the more minute details of everything.

halfway through my drive, the emptiness of the streets began to feel eerie. hardly anybody was out, why should i be? this was a city, a metropolis that doesn't halt for anything - but it halts for Good Friday. why? there are so many superstitions associated with this day - the power of the myth is overwhelming. it touches you, creeps over you. whether or not people believe the actual story behind this day (and personally, i do believe it) - everybody takes in the myth and all it carries. the immense power of narrative.

my only stop in this tour was at a Catholic church at the corner of timog and mother ignacia. parked a few blocks away and walked, absorbing the whole environment of the Good Friday mass. in my whole life, i don't ever remember doing this. what a day for taking in something new.

the flipside of a city, watching a congregation worship. yeah, what a day...

ode to piglet
Posted at 05:37 PM

in my previous blog i had an entry commending my laptop, piglet. piglet is a chiclet apple ibook, 700mhz, 20gb hard drive now with 384 mb of ram. piglet is going on 1 year old now and i've had absolutely no problems. no crashes, nothing.

i thought i'd share this particular story about piglet's reliability.

i had to mix together a couple of hiphop tunes - this entailed taking a couple of mp3s, clipping 3 sections and fusing them together. the resident techie at one of the UP offices i haunt had a cd containing over 50 audio editing software. i had none built into my system so i figured i'd go this way.

i brought my brother's laptop for good measure. unfortunately, for some reason, the cd wouldn't read. so i used another computer. the cd was recognized alright, but then none of the software could do it. i installed around 15 different programs but none could get it right. either the clips became too slow, the cuts were imprecise, the 'welding together' wasn't smooth, and on and on.

finally, after over 2 hours, i gave up and went home. on a whim, i went online and searched for mp3 editing software for the mac. found one called audacity. free. downloaded it and in 30 minutes my music mixing was done.

one of those times i can happily pat my computer and say: "that'll do pig, that'll do."

almost....there....
Posted at 06:03 PM

got one more piece to go for the 'stressed' book. actually i should have been done by now, pumping my fists in the air when i finished the piece on manila by night - but i decided to substitute something already done for something i've yet to write.

so the staring match with the cursor continues.

i'm beginning to think this book will never get done - that at the rate it's going, i'll never be completely happy with what's here. i can understand very well what they say about works having to be pried out of a writer's hands.

and to think this isn't even a serious book. well, it's serious in the sense that the effort that goes into it is quite a lot too - but the subject matter is light. fluff. the publisher is already calling it chick lit (or is it chic lit)...i don't mind. i never pretended this to be anything profound anyway. it's just that...wasn't this supposed to be easier?

apparently not.

but it sure is a heck of a lot more fun than that theoretical dissertation who cares about this kind of staring match with the cursor? i'm FREE!

"we'll be friends forever, right?"
Posted at 08:05 PM

last night i watched 'fox and the hound.' now for those who haven't seen it, i don't think i'm actually blowing any surprises by giving a shoestring account of the plot.

so there's this kid fox named tod who becomes friends with this kid bloodhound named copper. they become best friends. but copper was to be trained as a hunting dog and so the friends had to separate and grew apart into their own worlds.

now things happened and copper had to hunt down tod. but when it came right down to it, when a bear was attacking copper, it was tod who fought off the bear. and when the hunter (copper's master) was about to shoot tod, copper stood in the way to save his friend.

yes, i know, the movie was a lot more emotional than my narration and i did sniffle...especially at the part when copper stood in the line of fire.

but i think what i liked best about this movie was the way it portrayed friendship.

copper didn't go against his master or say 'yeah, i don't want to hunt you down so even if i am a bloodhound, i'll give it all up just to be with you tod.' copper knew what he was and what he had to do and he accepted having to be in a world different from tod's.

but when you've made a promise to be friends with somebody, you keep it. when push comes to shove. regardless. even if you no longer like the person, even if your worlds are so different - when that friends asks for you, you're there. by the same token, you don't have to be hovering around all the time. you don't own each others' time or lives. friendship, which is, after all, one of the highest forms of love, is not based on the complete absorption of the other. it is based on a much deeper value system. that promise must do.

one of the phrases i like using is 'grown-up kind of love' - i think this movie captures it really well.

one last post for today
Posted at 10:21 PM

got half an hour before i head back to my room and tune in to NU 107 to listen to 2/3 of the Juan sisters sing looking forward to that to end Easter...

in the meantime, i thought i'd just say that...well...the pieces for the 'stressed' book are done. hmmm. that didn't come out the way i wanted it. here's another try:

THE PIECES FOR THE 'STRESSED' BOOK ARE DONE!!! glory be

well, not DONE done... they still need a bit of editing. but done enough! i will get them to robert before i hightail off to the mountains. dare i hope for a May publication date? doubtful, actually. maybe june. i hope.

fewer things are sweeter than finishing a draft i tell you. fewer things

absent-minded blessings
Posted at 10:55 AM

people can vouch for the fact that i am sometimes absent-minded...forget certain details. a little out of it at times.

when it comes to my finances though, i've found this to be more a blessing than anything. i can't keep track of how much should be in my bank account. not that it's that big - i'm just a lousy accoutant. what happens though is that i always seem to have more than what i think should be in there. i wonder if God is taking advantage of my poor accounting skills and is sneaking some extra cash in there.

today was even better. i went to get my doctoral stipend check for march. when i went to the cashier, they handed me 2 checks instead of 1! turns out i got my check for march but forgot to get the one for feb and so they handed me the feb and april checks. amazing! i mean, i actually forgot? cool to be absent minded at times

and the timing is perfect! i've been hitting myself on the head for overspending this month and i've been a bit worried how to cover what i know will be a whopper of a credit card bill. well, this 'extra' check should do the trick

thank God for little mental failings on my part

you know you're missing the big picture when...
Posted at 08:55 PM

over the past week, my biggest thrill has been monitoring the progress of my Palm. i even put the UPS tracking link among my bookmarks so i could click everytime i went online. as of midnight last night, it was already in the hands of johnny air cargo in new york. the big question now is: can it make it to the Philippines by friday so i can get it and bring it with me when i leave town?

i know. surely there must be something more important occupying my mind. i'm sure there is. got a lot of things to get done...but somehow, this is so much fun!

must be the fact that this coming Palm is shiny and has buttons. i mean, who can resist thinking about something like that a lot?

hehe

t-shirts
Posted at 05:35 PM

ever since i saw stef's t-shirt that says: "la la la la, i'm not listening! (or is it 'i can't hear you') la la la" i've started to notice what's written on other t-shirts and have seen a number of gems.

one was certainly enrico labayen's "i'm that bitch." i still want one - and will wear it either on the first day of class or during the final exam.

another was one i saw in the Press bookshop. it went something like "i'm kind to certain people on some days. today is not your day."

bianx has one that says: 'i'm the girl your mother warned you about."

recently joanna said she bought one that says: "we talk about you behind your back."

ok, ok. i have t-shirt envy. and now that i know al is into making them. well, here's my chance. hehe right now, apart from 'i'm that bitch', i'm leaning towards: "really? wow! ask me if i care."

but first the Workaholics Anonymous shirts and just what exactly is Workaholics Anonymous? next post... after all, i must have something to write about next time.

\"song for a stranger\" for a friend
Posted at 08:50 PM

this is a song i've always loved, since high school. music by david benoit sung by jennifer warnes. it's called "When the Winter's Gone (Song for a Stranger)"


Pardon me sir, I don't know who you are
But I think I see something in your eyes
Though I could be wrong.

Winter is here and all the roses lie deep beneath the snow
That's where lovers go to hide from pain and sorrow.
Never for sure when your luck will turn
Waiting out that snowy day
Hope for a cure that someday you'll learn
Why love keeps on going when there's no one there.

Pardon me sir, I think it's up from here.
Take this one from me, one day you'll feel free to
Fly away wherever you want to.
Never can tell where the dawn will break
When you find your shoulder to cry on.
After a spell you won't feel the ache
And you'll forget the corner you've been living in so long.

You'll breathe a sigh and see it's time to move along
Just a little stronger when the winter's gone.
When the winter's gone.

times like these
Posted at 08:43 AM

a few months ago an aunt went to canada to seek treatment for cancer in the early stages. the doctors performed a total hysterectomy and she was fine. this morning i got the news that her cancer had returned. more aggressive, more virulent.

her lungs are filling up with water and cancerous masses. as i write this, another 2 aunts are rushing her from the hospital in angeles, pampanga to one here in manila so they can operate. the prognosis is not good.

13 years ago this aunt lost her husband (my dad's youngest brother) and her only son to a terrible shooting incident. since then she's lived what appears to us as a good, fulfilled life. i sure hope she did. and even if she didn't i'm praying for these, the days that appear to be the homestretch.

the prospect of facing death always hits me like a sledgehammer to the chest. i know we've all got to go somehow, but there's something very black humorish about the numerous and painful ways a person can die. something almost mean in how it affects the people close to the one near death's door.

but i know it's not mean. God doesn't play those kinds of tricks on us. and time takes care of a lot of the pain - or at least how we perceive the pain. i've been around enough deaths to know that there will always be that little blank space that person left behind - no 2 people can fill the exact same spot in our hearts i believe. but i also know that we go on. slowly at first, then life takes us back in its fold again. it's the way, it's how it's done.

genius plays at 70s
Posted at 01:17 AM

i get this urge to say something about the experience each time i see this woman perform. but everytime i try this, the more i realize nothing can ever capture what it's like to watch cynthia alexander play live.

still dense me still plods on trying because the experience is just too awesome to not try to at least shout to the world, or whisper to yourself...oh wow.

i'm still there. my adrenalin levels haven't dropped though i am quite, quite tired. have a feeling i'll be lying awake with i-n-s-o-m-nia.

baguio city dreaming
Posted at 04:29 PM

i arrived in baguio today. it's just like coming home.

everytime i'm here, people ask for directions. that makes me happy to report i don't look like a tourist happier still, i can answer their queries accurately. i guess the other sweet thing is that here, unlike in manila, i know the roads on foot. it's harder for me to find my way around in a car.

in the movie 'stand by me' river phoenix cries and says "i want to go where nobody knows me" (or something like that). i realize now that this is what baguio is for me. the place where i find more of myself because there is more of me to myself. nobody knows me here - i know enough people who are like family to feel safe enough that there will be people looking out for me in case i get into trouble. but apart from that, nobody knows me. so i walk the streets and life is suddenly so uncomplicated.

it's like coming home.

Posted at 11:05 AM

had plans yesterday of just sitting somewhere with a good view and writing. didn't get to do that...something better came up. got to take a tour of Ben Cab's farm by Ben Cab himself well, after the tour, while we were sitting around with coffee i took some notes. whether those notes will ever end up in something remains to be seen.

actually i've got a Palm-full of notes. little snippets. some for ongoing projects, other just things that might come in handy sometimes. the tricky part of course is putting everything together into a story. kaya nga it's called writing, not imagination. it's no good unless it's written out. sigh.

got a goal for this trip. have to finish a story by the time i get down. i'm starting to think that's a tad bit ambitious. but hey gotta set a goal, right? it's just that i don't know the point-of-view character very well and so i'm having a little trouble going through the rest of the plot.

last night, while walking to dinner, i decided to have a little conversation with her to get to know her better. started asking her what her job was like, things she liked to watch, to read. i was all alone in the road so i figured it wouldn't hurt having this conversation aloud. after a while though i got to a portion of the road that was totally unlit and lined with all these old houses. just then the interview in my head went to the topic of death and the supernatural and i ended up scaring myself. but when i wrote down what i learned about her this morning, i got a better picture of her in my head. that's good

so the huge chunk of my week should really be devoted to sitting and writing. not on here, but that story. at a certain point i realize it's going to take a lot of will power - i'm a bit easily distracted. hehe

occult hecklers
Posted at 10:10 AM

there was another first for me recently. my first witnessing of tarot card readings. plural. daming nagpabasa. not by professional readers - by ralph and paolo. here it was i learned...

it is pointless to engage in such activities when you're among writers. tarot card readings are narrative-based and writers will always have their readings of the text, will always have their ways of stringing together a plot. so for the reader, just lay out the cards and let them tell the story.

ok, i exaggerate a bit - but i'm not entirely off the mark. jing spent a lot of time arguing with ralph over certain symbolisms in her cards. everybody chipped in on an interpretation of sir jim's life. all in all it was a fun exercise in storytelling.

in the company of writers
Posted at 09:53 AM

part of last week i spent with writers. most of the time i spent by myself, but that's another story...

so i would hang with writers - some really established ones, some starting out, some really beginning. we'd talk about books, writing, authors, and words. i realized with a certain finality that this is really what i want to be doing. the business of words and putting them together to tell stories, share moments. that is what i want to do.

when paolo manalo, free press literary editor, to whom i had submitted a couple of stories said: "ayusin natin mga kwento mo." i felt a little leap of excitement. even revising makes me happy...that thrill of seeing your work from another point of view, blind spots being pointed out, then with a few touches of the keyboard, making it into something better...ahhhh

but then i don't know if i'll ever call myself a writer. i still felt myself cringe a bit when people would say "writer ka naman," or something like that. not yet. not yet. i need to be actively and consistently producing before i dare take that title for myself.

i guess given some of the company i keep - that of writers, of people who love words and books as much as i - then maybe yes, i will be able to hit a certain step and write and keep on writing. then maybe i will indeed be a writer

sawi
Posted at 06:12 PM

a group of writers from ateneo are putting together a book called "Sawi" - collection of short stories, poems, and non-fic narratives about heartbreaks. (for those interested to submit, you can do so through email sawikami@yahoo.com)

since it's been conceptualized, i've been thinking off and on about submitting something. i mean, not only should i take every opportunity i can to get something published, but the book itself sounds like fun every now and then somebody would mention it to me and add 'mag-submit ka.' so i figured i'd give it a crack, especially since the deadline for submission of mss is close.

thing is, my mind draws a complete blank. for the life of me i can't find an angle to latch on so i could write about heartbreaks. how does one go about this without sounding cheesy (and therefore cliche) or angry (and therefore cliche)? i guess i should try to find out, huh?

and this is why i say one of the hardest things to write ever is a love story.

que sera sera
Posted at 09:53 AM

i always said that as a teacher i wanted to go where i would be most effective.

well, the way things are shaping - that just might happen. i might have to leave UP...in which case i'll feel bad of course, but i'm ready. i 'll take it as God's answer to my declaration of going where i'll be needed most.

the only perk really that comes from teaching in UP is the pride of calling yourself a member of the faculty of the best university in the country. but then if i were a serious teacher, that shouldn't matter.

my main focus as a teacher should be 1) learning the most i can so that 2) i can impart it to students so that 3) they'll learn something. and this can be done anywhere. as a matter of fact, it should be done in places that have little teachers with this in mind.

and so i'm bracing myself to move on. if i do so it will be with a terribly devastated ego that's true. but i guess that will be the only damage - and in the end and all of it, that's not a high price to pay if i'll be going where God wants me to be.

whatever happens, this whole experience is making me evaluate what's important to me in life and i realized that i was placing too much stock on stuff that was crap - like titles and honors and all. things that really matter to me and that really matter, period...these things won't change, i won't be losing them no matter where i go.

my new toy
Posted at 09:16 PM

got my paws on my new palm yesterday it is a beauty

it's colored, it can play music, read ebooks, edit my word and excel files...it's shiny with buttons! it's even got a name - 'pooh' as suggested by jo, since, after all, pooh and piglet are best friends. technolust satisfied...for the rest of the year i hope. i'm broke, but boy, this was worth it

see, this is what happens when a child is deprived of toys in her early years - big time compensation during adulthood. even my mom attributes my gadgeteering as an extension of my childhood joy - pressing buttons.

so even if i might be outo f a job in a couple of weeks, at least i'll be unemployed in style

supernatural shmupernatural
Posted at 04:31 PM

spent the day at the library looking for supernatural stories by filipino writers. my priority is to find recent ones not yet in books so that our anthology will contain contemporary and can't-be-found-elsewhere-but-the-magazine stuff...

after going through 4.5 years of the Graphic and 2.5 years of the Free Press (that's about 300+ stories) i found 11 stories that deal with the supernatural. Eleven. you'd think that given we're such a supernatural and supersitious country there'd be a lot more, but nooooo.

the unusual dearth of material is something that should be mentioned in the book's intro. one writer texted me and asked the difference between supernatural and magical realist (or marvelous realist). uh oh. that's something that has to go into the intro too and right now i can't answer it. if anybody has any ideas on this, please let me know

speaking of stories in magazines, i've got a mini-workshop session with paolo manalo this friday. he'll help me fix a couple of my stories so hopefully they'll get published. i'm looking forward to that then maybe next time i can do something supernatural....to bring the current round-up to 12. hehe

oh my
Posted at 04:48 PM

i found a few sites that have free ebooks.

oh my.

books in less than 300kb files that i can download in less than 3 minutes and load into pooh in another minute. carry with me around to read wherever i go. read em then delete em when i'm done to free up the space.

oh my.

did i mention they were free? from arthur conan doyle to agatha christie to shakespeare to pulp fiction to mystery novels to sci fi to poetry.

oh my.

pumped
Posted at 10:58 AM

after my whole-day excavation stint at the UP main lib yesterday, i was hankering for something really refreshing. was sitting among the shelves thinking of fruit magic and so when my respiratory system couldn't take anymore, i headed right for it.

got myself a penta shake with a scoop of whey protein. yum-my!

so that's my vitamin and protein requirement for the day and everything else is extra. hehe

i wonder if i have one of those a day...if i'll mutate into some other life form

where o where?
Posted at 08:33 PM

back to thinking about the upcoming shows

still needing a venue for the december dance/rock concert. live bands with dancers. working on the concept that music wasn't meant to just be heard. if you're not sold on the idea, that means you haven't seen the dancers.hehe.

this is a show i'm really excited about it's got its challenges putting it together. never did anything like it - and, as far as i know, nobody has either. listening to a couple of tracks that will be played/danced that night and...i'm getting all psyched again

need something with a biggish stage, but not really for a big crowd - kahit na 100-150 audience...with a roof preferably something under P30,000...

considering the UP gym. a rough, raw, rugged feel would be good. or setting up one of those giant tents and nailing together a makeshift stage. anybody know where to get those tents?

if you've got a suggestion, please let me know. thanks!

(and the show needs a name for that matter.hehehe - cough cough ram)

vicarious living
Posted at 09:29 AM

the 3rd week of april this year will certainly be one i will always remember. that week i learned a whole new level of seeing, of living.

i wasn't here, and yet, i was. there were moments when i could hear the surf, smell the air, hear the people.

i wasn't there...and yet...it will be a memory i will always carry.

i miss the ocean so so very much it aches. but this soothed the longing. thank you for bringing me there.

(photo by joanna castro)

good days
Posted at 09:32 PM

there are many kinds of good days...

those that are cool and quiet and you have time to lounge, read a good book, cook a good meal.

those that are by the sea and you just enjoy being away from it all, sitting on the beach.

those that are spent walking among the pine trees, feeling the cool breeze.

and then there are good days like today where you don't have to wake up so early, but then the day is full of activity...you get something specific accomplished so all your running around was worth it. get to see a range of people, talk about interesting stuff. see friends. a few unexpected things along the way, then end on a nice subdued tone, quiet, restful, with a cup of coffee while it gets dark out.

have stuff to do still, but i'm pleasantly tired. i think i'll go watch a movie and call it a day

and because i can
Posted at 09:43 PM

i'm posting this for two reasons. one, because i just discovered how easy it is to attach pics to an entry; and, two - having watched 'under the tuscan sun' last night i thought i'd share a snippet of one of my favorite views from my stint under the tuscan sun

this is a view of siena.